Doritos Crashes the Super Bowl Contest: The Good, The Bad, The Bold

“Amish Paradise” (US) An Amish family walks into a “big city mall,” the son sees a vending machine and exclaims, “Pa, look, there’s a machine where if you press a button it gives you Doritos.” With that, an older woman pushes past them, buys a bag of Doritos and gets into the elevator. Moments later a young, attractive woman walks out of the same elevator, also eating Doritos. The father tells the son, “go get your mother.” Cut to the mother standing in the elevator after her first trip, which obviously did not work as the father thought it would; the father figures it must be the flavor and sends her back in with the directive, “here, try Cool Ranch.

“Time Machine” (US) A little boy tricks his neighbor into trying out his “time machine” which is nothing more than a suped-up refrigerator box that the kid claims runs on Doritos. The man walks in, sits down and just as the boy succeeds at fooling him with a variety of effects (a megaphone and kicking the box with his seat). At the height of the excitement an old man steps outside to chase the kid off of what is apparently his lawn. In another case of mistaken identity, the man believes to have been transported into the future when he comes face to face with the old man (who he believes is the little boy).

“Cowboy Kid” (US) A mother arrives home from grocery shopping and asks her kids for help unpacking the car. The kids are uninterested until their mom tells them that they can’t have any Doritos unless they help. Her older son springs into action, but is no match for his cowboy brother and his trusty sidekick (their dog). The little brother lassos the bag with all of the skill of the Lone Ranger and hogties his big brother to boot.

“The Most Generous Man” (Canada) - This starts off  simply enough - two men battle it out in a hospital waiting room to see which of them is The Most Generous Man. The men shower their companions with Doritos and when it gets down to the last chip, each waits to see what the other will do. The Most Most Generous Man (as his shirt proclaims) caves first and the Most Generous Man follows suit - and that’s when it gets cringe-worthy for me. The Most Most Generous Man decides to try one last extreme share by kissing a woman old enough to be his grandmother on the mouth. Well, that’s one way to share, I’m just not sure that I’d categorize it as generous.

“Bold Moves” (US) - A group of bros walks across what appears to be a college campus. One of the friends sees the girl that he likes talking to another guy who is feeding her from a bag of Doritos. “What’s cooler than a bag of Doritos?” the love-struck Romeo posits. Well, I can tell you that it’s not what comes next (warning: you CANNOT un-see this); the friend reappears clad only in what could best be described as a “Dorito Speedo” (it has a nice ring to it, right? Go ahead, say it out loud). Bold indeed, but I can’t say that it makes me want to grab a bag of chips.

“Finger Cleaner” (Australia) - Allow me to start by saying that I didn’t even want to re-watch this commercial in order to describe it to you; it was that scarring, but your needs come before my own and so here we are. A group of men are working in a garage. One of the workers, Billy, goes to wipe his hands on his uniform when his coworker tells him to “use the cleaner.” Billy then sticks his finger in a hole, presses a button and within seconds (it is only a 30-second spot) his finger comes out clean. The coworker explains that it only works with Doritos; Billy questions why and we all wish he didn’t because the reality will scar you for life. You see, when he sticks his finger through the hole, there’s someone in a cubicle on the other side who licks the Dorito dust off. Don’t make me say I told you so…